Gameitall As promised, I will now present the 10 Worst Movies of 2016. First up, we have:
(Dis)honourable Mentions: The Forest; The Boy; Why Him?; Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice; The Boss; Keeping Up with the Joneses; Independence Day: Resurgence
#10. Suicide Squad (original release date: August 5, 2016)
The movie that decided that cramming as many characters and half-baked ideas as possible into a 2-hour runtime was a good idea. The studio couldn’t decide what this movie was supposed to be in the months leading up to it nor were they able to have a coherent story or any sense of consistent pacing. It’s a huge mess with the only real standouts being Will Smith and Margot Robbie and the real downer being Jared Leto’s awful performance as the Joker. I don’t care what anyone says; this movie is a turd.
You can check out my full review here.
Rating: * 1/2
#9 – Gods of Egypt (original release date: February 26, 2016)
Where to even begin with this one? In the world of this movie, Gods apparently just bleed gold and are very tall. They can still be killed just like anyone else. That doesn’t even begin to cover the nonsense in the film though from the bloated running time to some of the ridiculous casting (Gerard Butler not even trying to hide his accent; Chadwick Boseman in one of the worst performances of all-time). This one holds some kind of perverse enjoyment for me in the realm of how bad it is but it still ranks as one of the tenth worst of the year.
You can check out my full review here.
Rating: * 1/2
#8. When the Bough Breaks (original release date: September 9, 2016)
This was a really odd movie. It was clear right from the get-go that it was one of those Fatal Attraction-type deals with an obsessed lover but it wasn’t even that. The husband doesn’t even cheat on his wife with the young girl to inspire her rage, which is DEFINITELY what the trailer showed us; the trailer just straight-up lied about plot points in the movie. It’s got a laborious pace, characters that we could not give one iota of sh*t about and a nonsense ending that lasts forever.
You can check out my full review here.
Rating: * 1/2
#7. Ratchet & Clank (original release date: April 29, 2016)
I think one of the worst things that can be said about an animated film is that it is completely boring and unimaginative and that’s exactly what this movie was for its entire excruciating runtime. The movie isn’t funny, it isn’t exciting and one thing I pointed out in my review was that I could actually see kids looking extremely bored in the theatre. I could not recall for you one semi-interesting character or scene from this movie if I had a gun to my head.
You can check out my full review here.
Rating: *
#6. Assassin’s Creed (original release date: December 21, 2016)
I think the biggest surprise about how bad this movie was that the studio was confident enough to release it right around CHRISTMAS TIME. You know… when the movies in OSCAR contention are out, which this turd couldn’t be further from if it tried. Fassbender tries really hard and Jeremy Irons collects his paycheck but my God, it is dull and lifeless and I just didn’t care about any of the characters nor did I even remotely give one iota of sh*t about the storyline involving the stupid apple.
You can check out my full review here.
Rating: *
#5. The Masked Saint (original release date: January 22, 2016)
I’m sure many of you right now are saying “Gah?” but yes, this was a real movie released in 2016. Yes, it was about wrestling and religion. Yes, Roddy Piper made a brief appearance and it was the last thing he did before he died. Yes, in this movie, the final wrestling match is done fairly and no winner is pre-determined. You know… like actual wrestling. The logic of the wrestling aspect of the film was obviously one thing that irked me but other than that, it was also preachy and heavy-handed with a heavy dose of terrible dialogue and ridiculous story contrivances. Possibly subtle racism too. There is a reason this movie only played ONE SHOW ON ONE DAY TO AN AUDIENCE OF FOUR (including myself) at the theatre.
You can check out my full review here.
Rating: *
#4. The 5th Wave (original release date: January 22, 2016)
This was a doozy. Chloe Grace Moretz tries her best in this Twilight-esque knockoff with an end-of-the-world plot. She is joined by a badass child army featuring one ‘cool’ character who is a badass based on the heavy amounts of eyeliner that she wears. The script too… woof. “I own a farm. You probably think I’m a country boy but I actually went to college.” That’s a line in this film. Don’t watch it. Ever. Before you ask, yes, it was released the same day as The Masked Saint and yes I watched them back-to-back. It was a truly awful day.
You can check out my full review here.
Rating: *
#3. Warcraft (original release date: June 10, 2016)
I was not prepared for this 3rd-rate Lord of the Rings film when I went to see this atrocity. I have heard that fans of the video game liked it somehow but I’m just assuming that’s something akin to Stockholm Syndrome. This movie is big and colourful and the CGI is not bad but man oh man, is it ever dull and lifeless. I didn’t care about ANYTHING in this movie. Characters get tragic death scenes that are met with apathy each time. Plus, I was hoping for an orc love scene and they never delivered. Had they done so, this would be on the Best-of list for sure.
You can check out my full review here.
Rating: 1/2*
#2. Nine Lives (original release date: August 5, 2016)
I have talked about this movie way too much. If you want to listen to me and my good friend Nathan talk about it at length, than check out the newest episode of our podcast below – What Were They Thinking?
You can check out my full review here.
Rating: (Zero)
And now…
THE
WORST
MOVIE
OF
2016
#1. God’s Not Dead 2 (original release date: April 1, 2016)
This is truly the worst movie of 2016 and one of the worst I’ve ever seen (and trust me, I’ve seen some really awful ones in my life) EVER. Not only is this a terrible movie with awful acting and even worse dialogue but it also one of the preachiest movies I have ever seen. I especially enjoy the atheist father disowning his son for being religious and then slapping him around. Yeah, OK. Liberals are called out for preventing people from teaching religion in school because it’s a war on Christians or something. Sure. I must have laughed and/or scoffed about 800 times during this movie. It also has a bizarre post-credits sequence where a priest is arrested because… sequel tease?! I’m there, dudes.
Also, this movie was released on April Fool’s Day. Case closed.
You can check out my full review here.
Rating System:
* (Brutal; the worst rating)
** (Some elements keep it from being awful but still not very good)
*** (Completely watchable; a rental as old-timers might say)
**** (Great film with a few things here and there keeping it from being perfect)
***** (Flawless; a true achievement)
